I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke