I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.