I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.