So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.