So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.