I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke