I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'