I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out