I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'