I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'