I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.