So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.