Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.