Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'