Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'