Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.