Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.