Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.