I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."