I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.