I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".