Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.