Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.