Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.