This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.