This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.