This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'