I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.