I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'