I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'