So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.