So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.