My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.