My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.