My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.