You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.