You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.