You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.