You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.