Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.