Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.