Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"