Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.