Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.