Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.