Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.