If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'