You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.