You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.