So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".