So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.