So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.