So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.