I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.