I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."