I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'