I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.