I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.