I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.