You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'