You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.