You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.