You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.