You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".