You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.