Tommy Cooper Quotes

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then