A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.