A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."