A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.