A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.