I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.