So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.