Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!