Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.