Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".