Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'