Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.