I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.