So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.