So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."