So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.