I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"