I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.