Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!