It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.