It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.