A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"