My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Tommy CooperSo I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
Tommy CooperSo I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
Tommy CooperA policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
Tommy Cooper