A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."