And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.