And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.