And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.