I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.