The truth is if I had a gay son, I would love him just as much as if he was straight… I might have to try to love even more because I know of the difficulty that he would have in society.

I just see myself as a short, dumpy guy with bad feet, and I'm passionate.

When I do stand-up... I get to do whatever I want to do. There's no boundaries. You'll get to know me. You'll leave with a piece of me.

When I'm in the mood to listen to music, I do like to go to the SkyBar [ L.A.].

Bad news travels at the speed of light; good news travels like molasses.

I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.

Michael's the ultimate entertainer. After Michael Jackson, it's Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, and Bruce Lee.