Guys, we spend our whole lives trying to get pussy, so when pussy comes to us, it's like, "Whoa, this is amazing!" At 27, I thought nothing could be better than that, but at 35, I've come to understand the darker side of it.

If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others, just say what you really think.

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.

Fat girls aren’t real people.

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them.