My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."

I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

Opinions are projections.

Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.

If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail.

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew.