Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.

My path to wisdom began when I stopped pretending to know things I didn't know. When I explicitly admitted to the limits of my knowledge, stopped building on ambiguity and ignorance, and instead realized that I knew nothing, not even the things I thought I knew.

I sold a million books because I have a lot of fans, not because people hate me.

If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them.

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want