(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

The oboe sounds like a clarinet with a cold.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.