Victor Borge Quotes

Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice.

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

You want something by Bach? Which one, Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

There are three Bachs. Johann, Sebastian and Offen.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

...the elephant smoked too much.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every time I slopped the cadenza . . . I hate Liebestraum.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.

Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.

Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there to separate the two other pedals.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

I learned to play the piano on my mother's knee - that was before we got a piano.

The elephant smoked too much.(explaining why the keys of his piano were so yellow)

Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.

The essence of a general's job is to assist in developing a clear sense of purpose . to keep the junk from getting in the way of important things.

And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

The oboe sounds like a clarinet with a cold.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.

That's why I've never thought of retiring because I do it all the time whether on the stage or off. I found that in a precarious situation, a smile is the shortest distance between people. When one needs to reach out for sympathy or a link with people, what better way is there?

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

In my dreams of Heaven, I always see the great Masters gathered in a huge hall in which they all reside. Only Mozart has his own suite.

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!

In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

A Smile is a curve which can set a lot of things straight.