If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.

The essence of a general's job is to assist in developing a clear sense of purpose . to keep the junk from getting in the way of important things.

You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.