Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.