I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.