I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.