I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I never met a kid I liked.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.