I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.