The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.