All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.