All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.