Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.