Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I drink therefore I am.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.