A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

I drink therefore I am.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.