A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.